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» Coniglio a Succhittu Sardegna
» Saturdays, Grumpypants-style
So much has happened in the last month! School is well under way, and I've been at a new job almost two months. Things are, well, scary.
The job is the less scary of the two. I don't love it, I don't hate it, and besides the occasional oven issue and one batch of cookie dough that didn't turn out, things are going pretty well. The cafe's owners are nice enough, and all of the baristas are pretty friendly. I'm doing all of their baking, and even though it's a small selection of products - just muffins, scones, cookies, brownies, and the like - it's a pretty good experience. Because I'm the only baker, I'm responsible for everything from keeping my parts of the fridge and freezer organized to developing new recipes and making sure all of the product out front is fresh and tasty and whatnot. Although it's not nearly the slick place that my last job was, I'm learning to appreciate it for what it is.
School is much more scary. I mean, I like it. I really do, but I'm not very good at it. Most of my classmates can debone legs of lamb with the greatest of ease and cut carrots into tidy cubes. My carrot cubes are really rhombuses and my leg of lamb, well, let's just say it wasn't winning any beauty contests. I've wondered more than a few times if I should have stuck with pastry. After all, I am a lot more comfortable with it, and I really enjoy the work. Sure, doing the culinary program will leave me with better work options, and I know that I should challenge myself, step outside of my comfort zone. But you know what? I miss being good at what I do.
I was really good as an academic. When I was a senior in college, I audited a course in women in American history that was taught by this absolute firecracker of a professor, arguably one of the best in the department. We were talking one day after class, and she told me that she had heard fantastic things about me and was wondering when I was finally going to take one of her classes, so she could see me in action. I was courted by Penn State to enter their anthropology PhD program when I graduated. I sometimes wonder if I've made a mistake. Should I have suffered through all of those one-year assignments at different schools and fought tooth and nail for tenure someplace decent? Did I miss out on doing something that I loved? That I was really good at? Maybe.
On the other hand, I love food and cooking. Always have. I love my work, even if I don't always love the place I work. I also know that I spent a lot of time learning to be a good student, and at some level, I understand that I'm much, much newer to the whole cooking - butchering - knife skills thing. But still. I'm a total perfectionist (hard to believe if you've seen the inside of one of my apartments, but it's true!), and I feel completely and unreasonably humiliated by how not good I am in class right now. I need to chill out about the whole thing, I know I do. And yet, when I'm on my way to school, I get that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I used to get before gym class. The feeling you get when you know you've got to go try and do something - be it cutting up a rabbit or playing basketball - and you know you're not going to be perfect and that your success or your failure is going to be on display for the whole world to see.
I've been practicing lots, slicing and dicing, and spending small fortunes on rabbits and ducks and chickens, so I can work on my meat fabrication. I do my homework diligently, and I'm practicing making cream of broccoli soup (we have to make it for our practical exam) sometime this week if anyone is hungry for that sort of thing. I've been trying to take the mistakes in stride, too. The work is paying off. I got a "much improved" note on my last homework assignment (12 cubes of medium-dice potato), and I successfully shepherded two teammates through the making of three soups.
I'm off now, all the practicing has left me with a dirty kitchen, knives that want sharpening, and heaps and heaps of laundry.
Love and tiny, tiny cubes of potato,
grumpypants
Posted at April 1, 2006 4:23 PM
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Oh Neighbor! We here in the (physically) higher eschelons of perfectionism completely sympathize with your plight. But I think you're right -- it's good to do something you're *okay* and and work your ass off to get to a level where you are great. And you are much better than you realize...just give it time so it can get to your level of fantastic. We all admire your dedication and determination. Besides, who doesn't like free tasty vittles? No one I know who is your friend! Or neighbor. Or both. ;)
xoxo
P.S. Cleo wanted me to say that she's seen you do homework and she gives you an A+.
Posted by: Neighbor Stacey at April 1, 2006 7:15 PM
You've got to love a learning curve. We know you will catch up and kick ass, and soon.
Posted by: JC at April 3, 2006 10:46 AM
Hey babe, good to see you back. Don't worry, just like anything, the more you do it, the better you get.
I'm just a little upset that I don't live close enough to eat some of the practice....
Posted by: Landon at April 3, 2006 11:07 AM
As someone who feels entirely in over her head with her new snoop doggy job I must say I can identify. We have always been people who want to not only know all there is to know, but to be really good at it. That means you are driven. Talent is only a commodity if you use it as a cue to work even harder. You know those people who reached the peak their Sr. year of highschool. Honey, they're flipping burgers at McD's and you're debonning freaking rabbits and lambs and shiznat.
Nuff said. I believe in you. And thanks for telling me that you believe in me the last time we talked. You can do it, and so can I, we just have to stay positive about how we get there!
Love you sista.
K
Posted by: corn' at April 6, 2006 6:54 PM
You've got a ton of courage...and I'm thinking if you stick with it, you won't have regrets. And give yourself some credit for taking on something so scarey and difficult. You'll be a master chef BECAUSE you are able slip into things less comfortable, and take risks. /emote jumps off her soap box
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