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| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |
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| 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 |
| 26 | 27 | 28 |
aclu
bakerina
caffeine and nicotine
coffee achiever
contentious
crazy us
dooce
economist
gawker
get crafty
grits nyc
jhc fotolog
jitterbean girl
kfk fotolog
kitchenman
laid-off dad
landon in key west
mighty girl
mighty goods
mimi smartypants
not well planned
onion
petit hiboux
piehole
pretentious
rock star diary
secret agent josephine
slate
smitten
sta.r
the man
unconscientious
» Heading out . . . destination: the Mother Ship
» Flashing
» Good Times*
» Our Travels to Foreign Lands, Part 1
» Just when it couldn't get any colder . . .
» Love, gratitude, and a few PSs to a few people who need a swift kick in the you-know-what
» Don't wake me 'til it's over.
Dear baby Sponge,
On Friday, your dad and I went to the doctor to see how things were going with you. We expected that you would be bigger and friskier then when we saw you last. The doctor told us that we would be able to actually hear your heart beat (we had only been able to see your heart fluttering on the screen before), and soon we had read that you would be able to hear us too!
So we went to the doctor's office and she rubbed this blue jelly stuff all over my tummy, started running a wand across my belly and looking for your heartbeat. Well, it seemed you were playing hide-and-go-seek, and so the doctor tried to use a different wand, but you were still hiding. (Naughty little Sponge!) So we waited in her office and talked about all the ways you would change in the next month - you were about to start a major growth spurt! - while we waited for the sonogram machine to become available.
About twenty minutes later, your dad and I were in the sonogram room, and your mama's good doctor once again went a-huntin' for you and your boisterous heartbeat.
But sweetheart, your heart wasn't beating anymore. And that's when we learned that the bundle of cells and joy and possibility that was once going to be you was dead, and that we had had a miscarriage. You were there, sweet Sponge, but sometime in the month prior - we think just after we saw you for the last time - you just stopped living. We don't know why you couldn't keep growing into the baby that we wanted with all of our hearts, honey, you just couldn't.
The doctor told us that when pregnancies end in the first trimester, at least in over ninety percent of the cases, there is something fundamentally wrong with the baby. You may have had too many chromosomes or too few. You might have been missing an important part, or you might have been developing profound birth defects that would have prevented you from surviving the whole pregnancy. Sadly, the doctor told us, there wasn't anything that we could have done to help you stay with us. (She also told us that lots of women miscarry a baby at some point, and it seems that it's often their first.) I try to remind myself of how small you were, that you just sort of stopped, probably without feeling a thing.
Oh Sponge, I really thought that we were going to make it. You see, you stopped being and we didn't know. We really believed that we had gotten through the first few months without a scratch and that you were well on your way to being a beautiful, healthy baby. We thought that I was okay and that you were too, and so we started shouting the news from the rooftops. And then, when we thought you were sixteen weeks along, we found out that we'd lost you.
Even though you were so tiny and were with us for such a short time, I don't know if I can explain to anyone how much your dad and I loved you. How lonely it feels to have this body all to myself again, and how empty our lives feel now that you're gone. We wonder what you would have looked like, if you would have had your dad's beautiful eyelashes, and what you would have looked like when you smiled. Our lives would have been different if you had made it, and it wouldn't have been easy for us, but we were so excited about you. Holding you, taking you to the park, introducing to all of our family and friends, all of whom were so eager to meet you and all of whom mourn your loss, just as we do.
Sponge, even though I'll never know you, I love you with all of my heart and every bit of myself, and I won't ever forget you.
All of my love,
Your Mama
Posted at December 4, 2005 08:13 PM
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Words can not convey how sorry I am for you both. I can't even fathom what you're going through.
Posted by: stim at December 4, 2005 10:17 PM
So sorry, let me know if there is anything I can do, like anything at all. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by: jocelyn at December 5, 2005 12:16 AM
I just stumbled upon this blog today - your post made me cry... Please know that my thoughts are with you. I am deeply sorry for your loss...
Posted by: Jessica at December 5, 2005 04:36 PM
I read you and your husbands blogs quite often, and I just had to express how sorry I am for you both. I cannot even begin to imagine what the two of you must be feeling right now. My deepest sympathies go out to you both
Posted by: christine at December 5, 2005 05:23 PM
* heartbroken *
Posted by: dayment at December 5, 2005 07:46 PM
My prayers and thoughts go out to you. Your post is one of the most heartbreaking and beautiful things I have read. It was truly moving and I am so sorry for you and your husband.
Posted by: newlywifed at December 5, 2005 09:38 PM
I grieve with you and send you lots of love and prayers. I understand what you are going through. I myself have had two miscarriages and a stillborn. But I also have two beautiful little girls, ages 7 1/2 and 3. Never give up hope. You will never forget your baby, but one day it won't hurt so much, I promise. For now, cry as much as you need to wherever you are. And don't worry about other people understanding why you are crying.
Posted by: comfortablycrazy at December 6, 2005 01:26 AM
I love you both so much and know that nothing I say is going to make this better. Just know that Nick and I are both here for you in anyway you need. I'm so so so sorry.
Posted by: Stacy at December 6, 2005 07:39 PM
I'm so sorry for you and your husband. I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks in July. It hurt so bad to think that my baby was alive and then wsan't.
Think what you need to think. Feel what you need to feel, and cry when you need to cry. Don't let anybody else tell you that you should be feeling or thinking or doing anything that you don't want to. This is your time to grieve, and you need to do what feels right to you. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by: Xangelle at December 7, 2005 10:54 PM
I just found your blog today. I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Lisa at December 10, 2005 06:39 PM
I'm crying too. What a beautiful letter. I wish there was something I could say to take the loss away. Thinking of you...
Posted by: SAJ at December 12, 2005 05:31 PM
I'm another person that only found your blog today, and I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I too, shed a couple of tears for you and your husband.
Posted by: Caasi at December 15, 2005 02:56 AM
came across ur blog few days back and this post touched me...hard. there are some things that we cannot control and so should try to let go. I feel terribly sad for you and ur husband. Be strong and look forward in life.
Posted by: Floridagal at February 21, 2006 12:44 PM
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